What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:01
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I never cut or harmed myself..
What does it mean when we dream about demons, ghosts, monsters, etc.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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She married twice! .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Which Shakespeare words have completely changed meaning in modern English?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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All the time i was locked up.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I waited trembling.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was in good health!
I write beautiful poetry .
I will be 64.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.